I
clearly remember the moment we arrived home from hospital with my eldest
daughter, a bumpy entry into the world with a few wobbles along the way
but it was so amazing to finally be at home. It was enchanting to watch her
looking around, taking in whatever she could see with her little eyes.
It was calm, emotional and exciting all at the same time.
Fast
forward 23 months and there we were again, daughter number two being carried
over the threshold, only this time, I was more concerned about her basic
survival than whether or not she favoured the colour scheme we'd chosen for the
nursery!
Our
eldest, a bouncy little bundle of fun was only too eager to dip her plump
little paws into the car seat to investigate what Mum and Dad had been
protecting with such care and adoration. We were very conscious of
wanting to ensure that we enjoyed every second of those first few precious
moments at home with our newborn but we also wanted to ensure that her big
sister was made to feel just as special and included in the whole event.
Time
moved on and before we knew it, our lives had become a strange mix of precious
moments watching our girls have a cuddle on the sofa to the heart-stopping
moments when our youngest stopped a flat hand on the head. Interesting
range of emotions in that first year.
Fast
forward a further twelve months and all of a sudden, the focus is on sharing,
or not as it were. Until now, our eldest had lived in a
kingdom all of her own, a queen of her castle if you like. The toys and
games she'd amassed had become like her own private haul of royal treasure,
dare he who tries to share in the abundance.
Inevitably,
no. 2 starts crawling, toddling and before we knew it, attaching her tentacle
like fingers to everything our eldest holds dear. This can only mean one
thing, show-down time. This applies to toys, Mummy's attention and even
the ownership of the long suffering and long forgotten cat. Anything is
game at this stage. Snatch, grab, smack, pull, dump, whack... Happy days!
Only-child
syndrome isn't pretty when the title holder is demoted to a mere sibling.
By their very nature, children are territorial, jealous and in need of constant
attention - survival skills raging from day dot. As if life wasn't hard
enough existing on the rare full-night's sleep that occurs when both children
seem to be well at the same time, the benefits of which are quickly sucked out
of you when the light of day arrives and its back to the hamster ball of
life. How on earth are you going to manage this, meeting the needs of
your older child while still being as loving and nurturing to your no. 2 as you
were with no. 1?
Consider
the following strategies to ease the journey:
Equality
applies even in the early years!
It
is important to show equal affection to both / all children. It is easy
to find yourself in a pattern of "no..no.1 don't do that...no.1 stop
it.... no.1 don't hurt your brother, that's not nice" and so on.
Avoid using the word "no" as much as possible, find a positive way to
restructure your responses. If there is a danger that your younger child
is in harm’s way, create a distraction and avert any possible feud. If
there is general rough and tumble or squabbling over a toy, let them at
it! It is healthy for both children to learn that they can fight their
own battles. It builds character and creates self-reliance rather than
looking for others to take charge on their behalf.
Nothing
can replace one to one attention
Planning
ahead for times when you can have individual time alone with each child is
essential to the emotional health and well-being of both / all children.
Take the opportunity to explain to your older child/children that they are very
special in your life and even more special now that they are going to be role
models and helpers in caring for their younger sibling. You can do
activities that are age appropriate with the older child, explaining to them
that it is something special that is just for the two of you and perhaps, one
day when your younger child is a little older, no. 1 could share the same
game in the way Mummy does, with no. 2. One to one attention is so
important, every day at an allocated time to ensure that your older child can
rely on the security of that special time together rather than acting out
constantly as a way of getting your full attention.
Build
your own family team!
By
involving one or both of your children as appropriate, in daily tasks, you can
include them in what you are doing around the house and also offer them each
their own responsibilities. It could be loading the washing machine,
putting dry clothing into the basket, sorting the plastic container cupboard
etc... This will distract both children from their need to fight to get
your attention before the other one does and you can still get on with the
tasks around the house or at the supermarket without total chaos unfolding
every 10 minutes.
Be
positive
It
is just as important to reinforce the positive, desirable behaviour that your
children exhibit as it is to discourage the negative with consequence or
distraction. Positive reinforcement will, in time, teach your children
that good things happen when you exhibit certain behaviour and it doesn't feel
as good to do the opposite!
Relax!
It
is so easy to get caught up in the day to day cycle of bickering, distracting,
feeding, changing and putting to bed that before long, you can lose sight of
the reason why you chose to have a family in the first place. Your
children are the most incredible gift you'll ever receive, appreciate them,
love them and as hard as it is at times, guide them. You can't go back
and change it when they're older. The early years will fly by, enjoy the
good bits and when the wheels fall off, just remember... you're doing the best
you can and no-one is perfect. Your children will love you for being
there for them and one day, they'll appreciate the true value of all the hard
work you have invested in them over the years.
Happy parenting!
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